This page is for those who may believe they have scrupulosity, and want to know there is someone else out there who may share their experience, as well as loved ones looking to understand what their loved one is going through.
A warning, and resource, and one more warning before getting into this. The first warning, there are different subtypes of scrupulosity, and the only one I can speak to is the ruminative subtype. I am not a doctor or therapist and am not qualified to speak to the other forms (intrusive thoughts, etc.). All I can do is share my own experience, but your situation could be very different than mine, and you could still have scrupulosity.
With that said, the first resource I would like to introduce you to is Scrupulosity.com (not affiliated with this site in any way), one of the greatest resources I found in my scrupulosity journey. Jaimie Eckert runs the site, and is eminently more qualified than I am to teach and help you. In addition to far more thorough educational material than I can offer, they offer a very accurate free quiz which was instrumental in helping me accept the diagnosis and identify my subtype of scrupulosity.
Finally, I’d like to give a trigger warning. This will be a selection of raw thoughts from what I wrote down in the peak of my scrupulosity, and the subject matter is exceedingly dark. Please try to remember while reading that by the Grace of God this is no longer where I’m trapped, and if you read some or all of your own experience here, remember that there is just as much hope for you too.
Some Thoughts From My Scrupulous Peak
- I know I’ve committed the unforgivable sin.
- I seared my conscience and felt the Spirit leave me.
- I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit, and there is no forgiveness for me.
- I am the one those verses in Hebrews are talking about.
- God has forever turned His back on me, and He is right to do so.
- I am tainted, defiled. Unforgivable.
- My continued existence is a sin. Every breath I take is an ongoing insult to a Holy God.
- I’m disgusting in my own eyes. How much more must an infinitely Holy God be repulsed.
- Every verse I read is like a knife to the chest, telling me I’m reprobate. Rightfully abandoned. Hopeless.
- I wish I could take hope in killing myself. It would be so easy. But it wouldn’t help. Only Hell is waiting for me when this life ends.
- My rotten heart is bound to me like a a fetter around my ankle. I see my sin so plainly, but no matter what I do, I can’t escape it.
- God could never look on something as grotesque as me with anything but righteous rage and consuming fire.
- Why would He allow me to be born if He wasn’t going to elect me?
- I genuinely envy my miscarried siblings. It was too late once I was born alive.
- It’s like I’m balancing on a fragile tightrope over the fire of Hell itself, and I can feel the flame.
- I’m missing something that real Christians have. It must be the Holy Spirit I lack.
- How can a hardened heart repent of being hardened?
- How can I force my heart to love God?
- I can’t stop trying to repent, even if it’s hopeless. It would be like willingly jumping into hell myself.
- There are promises of both salvation for the elect and judgement for the non-elect in the Bible, and all are true, but for different groups. As a vessel of wrath, rejected by the potter, the promises of judgement apply to me.
With the perspective I now have, I can see in hindsight how incorrect these thoughts were. But they were real. And on unbreakable loop in my head 24 hours a day. And no matter how much loved ones and spiritual leaders tried to help and council me in the truth, I was utterly unable to accept it and remained absolutely sure I was without hope. I lived in this state for six years before I even heard the term scrupulosity and then wasted another 4 months denying the diagnosis. Sometimes the intensity was slightly less, and I could distract myself from the despair, and carry on some semblance of function. Other times I couldn’t function at all, afraid to drive because an accident would be instant damnation. At its peak, I couldn’t sleep for days at a time because I was so utterly gripped by a terror no human soul should ever have to experience this side of hell; these times were hallmarked by 12 hour stints of uninterrupted online research into reprobation and the unpardonable sin, agonized weeping, and terrified prayer. But from the above, I’ve come to see God’s incredible love for me. The path back is lenthy and difficult (or at least was for me), and your path back may be very different than mine. But I’m here as a living testimony that by the Grace of God, recovery is possible, and that by that same Grace, a path is available to you too.
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